--I thougth i'd be happy. After today, you just shattered me.--

BBQ was okay ... Masrina was there and so was th rest :) MUSTAFA WAS THERE !!! HAHAHAHAHA. TALLEYYY ;) IHATEYOU.
So many unwanted feelings.
So many barriers.
So many ... argh. I feel so empty inside.
Idw my soul.
This soul has to many scars to bear.
Souless. I wonder how that would feel. :D
I AM BORED D:
GOINGOUTWITHMASRINATMR :DDD
WATCHING THE PRINCE OF PERSIA :D
YAAAAAYAAAAYAAAAYAAAA :) FINAAALLLY.
P.S ILOVEYOU<3 :D

-- I am going to say it once. Once only, so if you can, Hear me please.
Save me. Try too. These days seem longer and longer each day. I miss school D: I do. I miss hearing those stupid and horny jokes. I miss ... everything. Not everyone. But everything. The atmosphere. The smiles and laughter.
Will it ever be the same ? So much has changed.
Nothings .. Gonna to be the same ever again i guess. I just want to go with the wind. Is it that bad ? I just want to not care. Is that so hard ? I just want to cry and feel.
Anything.
Pain.
Love.
Anything will do right now.
Feelings. So strong. It empowers even the strongest and evilest person on earth.
How long do i have to put up this act. idw this act to become real.
The line between real and fake is so blurred.
Like, youre forced to put up a show. Just for entertainment. Making everyone happy. In the end, am are you really happy ? Truly. No. Never.
This world only excepts the best. The prettiest. The smartest. The richest. The bitchest. Not the truth. Everyones so scared of the truth.
Lie after lie. I wonder. What am i made up of ? Lies. ? Or the Truth. ?
Being yourself is never fking good enough aint it.
Youre not smart enough.
Youre not beautiful enough.
Youre not friendly enough.
Youre not tall enough.
Youre not skinny enough.
Nothing is ever enough.
But what is beauty.
What is smartness.
What is friendliness.
How tall is tall.
How skinny is skinny. And.
What is 'be yourself.' People say it, but when they are themselves. Youve got to change. To fit in. But what if, you dw to fit in. What if you dw to blend in. What if you want to get away. From the cliques. From the drama. From the bullshit. From everything youre not.
Loneliness fills me. Theres not a day that goes by that i wish i wasnt me.
But God gave me, me.
I think. I finally made it.
It hits me. I am just going to let it rock
See i dont live for glamour,and I dont care for fame,im in this for the love of the game
Funny how things can change,they didnt believe in me. They never did eh :).
Now i know, deep down, that nth ever lasts, unless its true and real.<3


--Baby, if you dont know, now you do, this is love. <3--

--No stars in th sky to show me th way. No whispers in th breeze to tell me where to go. No one. No one next to me to guide me through. Why wouldnt i be broken. In and out. Now youre really making me wonder. In the entire time, were you ever honest ? Youre really making me wonder. Am i that stupid ? Well, this proves i am.
You broke.
She's fixing me.
Now. I can and will never trusts anyone. Everything will be lies. Starting from today. Whats the point in telling th truth when it will hurt eh. But what hurts most is that, i believed in it. Who doesnt do it. But you ... i never thought so.
This came too soon. I knew it will end up like this. But i wasnt prepared i guess. Love made me blind.
Hell ya. I am scared. I am forever going to be. Its going to take months or even years to fully trusts anyone. Anyone.
Like my mum said, "youre a scorpion, and scorpions never forgive or forget. Once hurt. Always hurt. No chance of turning back even if it means death."
We all are still finding ourselves. We havent found who were are. Everyone needs time. Time alone. Time. We're just realising so many things in life. We're just starting to taste the bitter side of life.
So many people have told me, friendships and relationships from secondary school never lasts.
Maybe now i know why they dont lasts. And never will.--

Yesterday, went out the entire day. Bugis then raffles town club, go see venues and dresses for cousins wedding. Came home only at 7+. Damn tiring.
Today ... Morning was a nightmare. Fought with my mum. Sucks. Then at about 3, she brought me out ... Go condo shopping. and ... SHE TOTALLY EMBARRASED ME. ARGHHHH. LIKE TOTALLY. INFRONT OF A GUY. D: aft that came home, made salad :) and now im watching "My queen" on youtube. Down with love has sadly ended D: THE ENDING SUCKS. THE SHOW DEOSNT :D
Haishhh. Going for p6 gathering on monday ... feeling very uneasy about it ... D: swear. idw to meet people idw to see. It will be superscaryyyy.
WISHMELUCKKK :D

A very special girl.
Tall. Skinny. Beautiful.
She's been there. :) Through it all.
She may not be there with me all the time.
But, When i need someone. A shoulder to cry on. A friend to talk to.
Everything. I know i can turn to her.
I guess. Shes the only one i have left.
... She isnt.
Actually. Nevermind.
I just dw to post anything today.
BORED> IDWTOGOTOSKEWLTMR.
ARGHARGHARGH.
<3
--Even angels learn how to fly--

--Love made me blind, but now, im feeling like a star, u cant stop my shinning, lovin cloud nine, my heads in th skys. Finally doing me, and it feels so righttt. No one to answer too. No one to argue too :), You told to get myself tght, i did. I making it thrgh the weather, now better days are gonna get better :).--

Feeling how i should :D
Happy.
In love.
Myself.
In love with who, idk. :)
Weird but true. I am in love, but with no one :)
HAHA.
The pain is gone. I cried. Yup, i did. I lost them. Yes i did. They aint turning back. Yes they arent.
But seriously, does it bother me anymore ?
How many times it has happened.
1year and a half. And it has happen a gillizion times.
They came back and left. Came back and left. This time, if they dont come back, it wouldnt surprise me a bit. Cos i guess we both had enough. Of each other.
I am not sorry or shocked that we all didnt work out. This never came unexpectedly to me. Never did and never will.
Thats me. Pushing people in the wrong buttons :)
But ... th problem is, you dont bother telling me, then, how th heck am i suppose to know ? I dont asks, because i got use to it. I got use to everything. I knew why aft quite sometime. Really ? Like seriously, would it hurt for atleast one of you to tell me ? No right. But wait, yr breathe would go to wastes, because i dont bloody change for anyone. Right ?
Has anyone tried to help me change ? Nope. I dont think so.
I dw to change because, i am very selfish person.
I want to be happy first, before i go around making others happy.
But nope. It doesnt work that way i guess.
Yes, i guess i made some of you change. and i didnt.
Because i wouldnt.
Because i couldnt.
Unfair right ?
What did you call it, 'retribution' ?
Well, i dont mind this retribution.
:)
Its not going to get you or me anywhere.
It may bring you happiness or wdv to see me go thrgh what you all went thrgh, but seriously, do you think it would work ?
Do you think i would actually be torned up ?
Do you actually think i feel it ?
Do you think doing this would make me change and turn back ?
Nope. Sadly, I am alr torned apart.
Sadly, I dont feel no more.
Sadly, you can make the world hate me, but i wont change.
I am moving on.
Are you going too ?
Are we going to be strangers ?
Are we going to be haters ?
Are we going to be enemies ?
I dont want to be any of those.
Do you ?
But you see, i dont want to be friends either.
Because we need our space apart. far apart. We need our air to breathe. Away from each other.
This loneliness, is helping me. Find myself. Bringing me closer to myself.
Finding out things about me i never knew.
And, true friends accept each other for who there are. Always.
Maybe we've all yet to find that special true friend.
Maybe, you all have found yours.
Or not.
I know i havent :)
But whatever it is eh, goodluck, to all of you in, life love and happiness. :)
May you all of you shine like th brightest stars in the sky.
May all of your friendships last forever.
May all of you find true love.
May you all be happy where you are and go.
I still love you all. I know i'll always do. it doesnt matter if you dont, or never will.
One and a half years :)
Of friendship.
Will always be in my heart. :D
Thank you for making those one and a half year so wonderful and colourful. :)
And,
For also putting up with me, and my attitude :)
This is where i would say goodbye, but i hate goodbyes,
so i shall say,
"see you around :D"

CHANGEOFPLANS ! GOINGMALAYSIAONFRIDAYMORNINGINSTEAD:D EXCITED.
I have become a little girl again :).
Its good to be me and have no restrictions :)
Nightynight :DD
--Too busy pointing fingers over who was wrong or right,Couldn't see the pouring rain through our selfish pride,Can't pretend all along we didn't see it coming
Tried to hit the breaks, but we crashed and burned
Somewhere we missed our turn,Hit along the road
We lost control. We lost it all in the fire. Now its too late. We let the wheel go. And our love crashed and burned.--

--This is super funny. it really is :), for minute i cried, the next, i realised so many things, and then i laughed.-- :D
<3
NORMAL DAY.
thats what i would call today, just a tiny bit of minor setbacks.
But, lifes has it ups and downs, and it so happens, now im down. My entire life is down. But crying will be useless, because nth's gonna change now.
Sometimes i do wish that there was a delete button in my life, but hey, dont we all ?:)
Not going for camp :) hehehe.
I know the truth. I see the truth.
hey, everyone has flaws, and it so happens my is my attitude, that has actually caused much much more problems in my life than me, myself.
What am i to do.
Some people in this world, cant change.
and again, it so happens im that kinda person.
Wait, im giving myself excuses right ? HAHAHA :D
Maybe ? Who knows.
It doesnt matter to me.
Alone or not.
What matters is im happy. and i am picking myself up again. Like how i always do. :)
With a smile. a real one.
it would be nice to have someone next to me, :) but maybe. I am better alone :)
Looking at things from a different perspective.
I wouldnt change anything in my life :) Now, The past or The future.
Because i know where i am heading and going.
Alone or not. Hell, its gonna be one roller coaster ride, i'd never forget. :D
I'll just smile it off. I always do :)
hey. i am human after all eh.
I will cry. i know i will. a little.
But i know for sure, i'll be laughing. Much more.
Neither do i regret a moment i spent with anyone.
Moments are to be rememebered not wasted and locked away from th light.
I'll get through this.
I will. and I can.
Because i have possibly everything i want.
Maybe not a awesome bestfriend. Or friends.
But, i have my family.
And for now, my bestfriend is my mother. And thats enough for me :)
It will always be. Her. And her only.
Because at th end of th day, shes th only person whos going stay in my life, till the day i die. No matter what attitude i have. No matter how many doors i bang. No matter how many times i yell and misunderstand. No matter how many times i cry and swear. No matter how randomn and weird i may get. No matter how depressed,angry and upset i may get. No matter how bad my attitude gets. No matter how many piercings i get. No matter whatever and whoever and whenever.
One person.
Remains.
Forever.
In my life. And in my heart.
My mother.
I dont need a bestfriend, or any friends, when i have her.
so, no regrets :)
AT ALL.
The times we spent, fighting, crying, yelling, screaming, swearing, cursing, singing.
Happy moments. and they'll always be. For me.
:D
Maybe, i am just figuring out wht life is.
And aft sometime, it isnt so hard anymore. :)
It isnt so hard. When everything becomes clear :)
And real. :)
What we all had, was real. But hey, wdv's meant to be will always find a way to be tght. And maybe we're not :D.
For me it was. and it will always be. whether u like it or not.
Yes, i am a bitch. but hey, arent we all in our own ways ?
Say byebye, to ever sad moment. And hello to everything new and wonderful :)
I just realised.
, This aint the end, This is the beginning :) <3
NIGHT :D GOING TO WATCH DWL<3 :D

-- Whats it called ? The one they are all talking about.
Love ?-- <3

I shouldnt have gone to school today.
Its my fault. no ones blaming. but im blaming myself.
For believing.
Of cos, i thought it all lasts. But nope.
I became nth again.
Used. Used. Used.
What ? Reuse and recycle ?
Is that what i am to you ?
Not just you.
Im just a bloody substitued, right ?
I guess i am gonna have to learn the hard way. Again.
This is where my mum will say, "i told you so."
She warned me. Again and Again.
I guess a 13 year old teenager obviously doesnt listen and ends up hurt.
I have given myself 2 weeks to decide.
idontcareifihavetogotohell.
idontcareiftherearepeopleactuallycrying.
idontcareifihurtamillionpeople.
because.
my cries have been left unheard.
Everyone has left my hand.
They've let go.
If one person during this 2 weeks, save me.
Who knows eh :)
She says i wont do it.
You dont know me. No one does. They think they do.
MY attitude.
The way i think.
they tink they know it all.
nono.
Not at all.
I am actually loving where i am at.
I see everything. finally. so clearly.
Who is real.
Who is fake.
Who is true.
Who is a lie.
And really, half of them are a lie.
All my relationships, have been lies.
Any type of relationships.
Full of lies.
I think i know whos the real one :)
Shes been there. oh hell. shes been everywhere with me.
shes never made me feel this way.
Actually theres two :)
They. They know. They understand. They are true.
Its better like this i guess :D
I shall keep my faith.
I shall start doing things my way.
I shall start being me for myself.
I shall start giving myself no limitations.
I shall start concerntrating on who and what matters to me most.
I shall make myself happy. All over again.
:D
Thats becos, in this world, the one person you can trusts, the most and will never decieve you, treat you like shit, or backstabb you, is yourself. :)
Going to malaysia tmr :)
I am startin to believe in evrything again. :)
Its good.
Lifes good. without or with you.
Its brighter with you, but whats th point ... when its all just a lie ? :)
Im not a fool.
I know.
--I am not in it for you, nor for the money, im in it for my love for th game-- :)

--Love ?--

MY MARKS>
english ... 68.75%
maths ... 63%
science ... 70%
history ... 72%
literature ... 62%
geography ... 55.5%
Everything went down D:
BUT !
MY SCIENCE, MATHS AND GEOG IMPROVE :D
HAHAHAHA.

I get moody so fasts.
Stupid thoughts infest my mind. Making me feel nth at all.
Its unfair. Its really is.
That everyone can cry, scream and yell.
when,
all i can do is sit and do nth.
i feel nth.
Everythings so numb.
idk if i can believe in happy endings.
idk if i can believe in love.
idk if i can believe in everlasting friendships.
idk if i can believe in anyone, myself or in anything.
Planning to leave for malaysia soon
i need to go sort myself out.
one by one.
bye, Goodnight<3
--It starts with a smile, grows with a kiss, and ends with a tear, doesnt it ?--

--They say, a heart is not a whole, without the one who gets you thrgh the storm--
Im finally out in the rain, knowing that everythings really over. Suddenly im flooded with all this pain and everyone has left me alone.
Then i ask myself, is this what i really want ?
but hey, it makes sense doesnt it ?
To be smth im not to please every single human.
no. it doesnt. it never did. and never will make sense.
I cant count on you most of all when i really need it.
Whats wrong eh.
everythings finally breaking apart.
it has to right ? why. why must it always end up in shattered pieces. its not my heart. it never was.
Because you never cared. You never did. and even if you did, you rarely showed it.
I just dk what the problem is, what the deal is.
Im sick and tired of playing along with you.
it sucks you know. You put your all onto someone, and get back nth but bullshit.
I gave everything else up for you.
now, now you dont come and tell me its my fault.
because, it aint.
sometimes i wonder, was it ever ?
I kept hanging on like a fool.
The times we had. all gone.
Goodbye. Forever

--Bring it on, boy. Lets see who tears each other hearts first. Dontworry,it'll be a fair play :) Theres actually no point in trying to hide it, cos im gonna win. Fxker--

I wanna write a book, called ..
"why men are such whores."
i know its rude. but seriously. they are.
Only a few in a million seem to stand out, and even if they do ... they're attached to a bitch. Hiash. Unfair.
i wanna curse at the wind.
i wanna run free in th wind, full of sunflowers, i wanna draw shapes in the clouds, i wanna fly. fly to Neverland.
Youre not worth the risk. We are not worth the risks. SOmetimes i wonder if we're thinking the same thing ....
I know deep in my soul, not everything last.
But ... this seems so magical. Like, fairyland where everythings perfect and planned. but i know once i awake, everything will be gone.

DOWNWITHLOVE ! :D i lovelovelovelove that show ! Yuping and Yang guo :) Jerry Yan is so fxking hot. and ella is so fxking cut ! Perfect couple eh? Its super hilarious :)
It calms me down ... but makes me wonder, are there really guys like Yuping out there? Cos i there are, God, i want my pincecharming to be excatly like that :D

--Goodbye may come as a shock and even though i love you alot, I've given every breathe i've got, and sometimes we just gotta break down and breathe--

MATHS WAS AWESOMEEE ! :D SO HAPPY.
Everything i learnt, came out ! YEAH. Tmr's history :), im sure i can do it :)
i actually studied okay ? HAHAHA. the girl who normally doesnt study, is totally finally, freeaking out, studying. weird ? HAHAHAHAHA. I guess i changed. My study ways. Made it more fun. :) did my own notes, so yeah. so, im on my way to become a good student, (my ass!!!) HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
--Looking back i realised, i missed so many chances, the chances came, and now they're gone. Talked to elisheba about the past. The chances. The amount of unwanted memories and faces that came back, have started haunting me again.
why do i always miss the chance ?
Is this fate ?
Is this just my unlucky luck ?
--Love is the slowest form of suicide. Someone save me. Before i crumble and crash to all the nothings i actually am.--

--This thought has now entered my mind, and infested it with the wildest and scariest thoughts imaginable. Im like a flower, slowing withering its petal, and tears of blood, stream down me slowly.
what for do i do such a painful act ?
Its for the pain. To feel it. To live it. It gives me excitment. Painful yet beautiful. She calls me physco. He calls me mad. Why so ? i wasnt forced, i wasnt payed, it is my own act. The act of pain.
I dont see me in her.
Nothing like me.
Is it because of her, these thoughts ? I wonder.
But, I'll never know. I'll never want to know. She never saw me. Shes sees the girl see wanted to be. The me, hiding inside, finally set free.
Free ? Ha, never. Im a bird, locked in a cage, why ?
Because im mad ?
Because im young ?
But, what is young ?
For i dont see the difference anymore.
i know what i am.
i know who i am.
It hurts. But isnt it suppose to ?
She close eyes, for a minute, but once she awakes, i shall be gone,
for i am,
A Devil's Child.--
RITHAA.

THURSDAY= FREEDOM ! :D
thursday my last exam :) Science. argh. hate it. and physics. D:
That "prose" on top, its done my by me, no copyright pls. thankyou :)
Its getting harder now, to resists. Im going mad in this place.
I need to get outta here. soon maybe. i will.
MATHS TMR :D
GOING TO STUDY.
BYEBYE PEOPLE ! :D

after 1 year or even more, im posting again. hahaha.--
lifes never been better though ...
i have almost everything i could ever need.
though there were the up's and down's in the beginning of the year, maybe, they're all solved now.
--the black keys never looked so beautiful and a perfect rainbow never seeemed so dull, and the lights out, never had this brighter glow, and the black keys are showing me a world i never knew.--
it sucks. still. it still hurts. somehow. Nothing happened. and yet the pain. some pain. is still there. fresh wounds.
My heart is broken. Not even mendable pieces are left, simply particles of dusts. That blow away, far far away. Along with the last of my trust. Stabbing thorns, hurt so badly. I could have screamed. I could have cursed. But i didnt. i refused too. i just let them poke and hurt more and more. Until i got confused, until my whole being was one horribly tensed, more than you can imagine.
It was, and still is based upon one thought. No one. No one. Will ever truly care.
Then a soft voice soft says with the sound of injury.
"Dont you remember, You still have me?"
All those fights, since ... since then, seemed better in balck and white, but the colours. The words. The thoughts. The pain. Doesnt seem to go away.
why.
--Can i please turn right into your arms?--
where are you. when i need you. somehow im to be blamed. for what.
im falling off this track, now. so, can i turn right, to you ?
you were always there. i just never saw. and i now, when my eyes are finally open, you're gone. away. its too late. wait, its never too late, but whatever is meant to be will always find a way to be together.
The walls are closing in. what do i do. no more air. no more space.
seriously. where are you.
where are all the good moments.
where are all the times we never let go of each other.
where am i.